It’s been weeks since I wrote a single word, or even logged into my site to check or update it.
I had found my second wind during the summer after a bit of discouragement and thought I was on the right track.
I invested in a course to expand my reach, I contacted an acquaintance to get a photo shoot scheduled, revisited and revamped my goals, and even recorded some podcast episodes to get that off the ground.
Some behind the scenes progress was visible to me and I was feeling good about the effort.
Then, I was personally hit hard.
I realized that some of my immediate family was directly in the crosshairs of a major natural disaster that did wind up hitting our country – Hurricane Harvey.
Now, hurricanes are nothing new to me, I’ve experienced them firsthand in the past. However, something about this one seemed different and it affected me strangely.
I couldn’t concentrate at work, I could hardly think of anything else and had a difficult time functioning in any meaningful capacity.
I couldn’t take my eyes off of the news updates, was doing my best to stay in constant communication with my family, and felt as though I was in a fog.
The whole time I had my writing in the back of my mind and new I needed to carve out time and stay updated and consistent. But I kept talking myself out of it because I didn’t know what to say.
I didn’t know how I could encourage and carry the persona I’ve attempted to make this about when I needed just as much because of the emotional toll everything had taken on me.
I have dealt with imposter syndrome in the past but it came roaring back with a vengeance during this time.
Besides, I reasoned, who will miss me? My site visits are minuscule, my email open rate is as well. What audience, I thought?
I was so overwhelmed by the tragedy and then taking a visit to the area and not only seeing the impact but helping with physical energy to be of assistance along with a fantastic team of individuals, I was spent.
Even upon returning home, I’ve allowed myself to carry the residual effects by keeping myself busy in other areas, I hadn’t fully recovered.
As I mentioned, I hadn’t even logged into my website because I knew I would be even more discouraged by the reality that no one had bothered to read any of my posts (even though they were old).
Then I did.
Not only was I completely wrong about zero visits, granted I know I haven’t promoted enough to garner the attention I seek in order to make a difference, in my absence, somehow, my numbers are close to what they were 6-8 weeks ago.
Additionally, I received a personal message that someone actually enjoys reading what I write!
How could all this be?
I’ve not fulfilled my obligations to myself or my readers, nor have I put in the time needed to offer the help I say I want to give.
My fears have told me that getting traffic to my site and receiving encouraging words wasn’t supposed to happen until my reader count hit the thousands and I actually produced valuable work.
All the plans I have written out and goals I read to myself daily in an attempt at motivation have seemed intangible recently.
I don’t have a perfect plan of dividing my energy out to every area I wish to give it.
It’s incredibly hard with all the irons I have in the fire to commit a sizeable amount of energy in one direction, especially when more continue to be added.
I honestly don’t know if I can keep up my lofty aspirations of how much content I produce here. I do know one thing, no matter how hard I get hit, I’m not giving up.
I may have been zoned out where I had little to no energy left to give, yet I know there is a greater purpose that I have begun to pursue and I won’t stop.
To those who have been along for the ride, my sincerest apologies for disregarding your readership. I hope that I have been transparent and vulnerable enough here to account for my whereabouts and have shed some light into who I am.
Let’s do what we’ve said and “leave the ‘what if’ behind”.
Thank you for even reading this.